Goodbye Good Gews… Hello Uncertainty

“Disappointment, defeat and despair, are the tools we are given to show us the way”.

To be given bad news can be hard. This I understand… but to be given false hope…that can really break a heart. To be told good news only to later discover that this information was wrong brings a pain of the kind that I can’t begin to explain.

I’m still waiting. I feel like I have been waiting for this surgery my whole life. I’ve had to call the hospital numerous times to chase this up and push them to get on with my case.  Lately the green eyed, hot cardiologist doesn’t appear to be so attractive. I finally get somewhere with the ‘wonderful’ service that is the NHS, only to discover that most of what I was told in February was incorrect…

The recovery time after surgery will not be one month as previously advised but a minimum of three to six months. I almost died of heart failure right there and then in the cardiologist’s office, at the thought of being in my mother’s house for such a long period of time! I was then informed that the subsequent valve replacements may not be done by key -hole surgery and that I will in fact have to have open heart surgery every ten years thus imposing greater risks each time. Although my stomach had started to turn a little by this point in the conversation, I was generally ok, but as the last bombshell was dropped I felt as though the ground was falling from beneath me and I started to consider that this may only be a dream.  I will still have to take warpharine after the valve transplant…. For how long they are unsure. I have stepped back in time. The dreams of the pitter pattering of little feet are all but demolished. I may not be able to have a family after all!

I feel a sense of ‘de-javu’ as the doctor stares into my eyes inquisitively, anticipating some kind of emotional reaction. I have nothing to say. I just want to go home. I want to run as far away from this place and these awful people as possible. Thoughts of Los Angeles wander into my clouded mind. A time of struggle and hardship of a different kind, but also a time of complete freedom….I can’t go back there though. I need this operation to stay alive and I have no option but to go forward.

I can hear the voice of this professional, clinical male telling me that there is a further problem that I must also be aware of. “Hit me with it” I say. I’m ready for anything now, nothing really matters. I wanted to have children!

He continues to talk and I continue to listen. It’s not like I have a choice, really. This is happening to me and its happening to me now. I can’t change that, I can’t run away from it and I can’t make it any less real. My only option here apart from straight up denial, is to face the facts and deal with it. My informer tells me that there is a blockage in my heart and they are not entirely sure of what it is. The only way they will be able to find out what it is exactly,  is to operate. So basically there is an extra problem in my heart and they can’t tell me anything about it until they open me up.” Great! Tell me more,” I say. After asking if I am ok yet again, he proceeds with his array of new information and informs me that I also have a hole in my heart.

As I attempt to let this new information sink in I find it very hard not to be consumed with anger. I wouldn’t be hearing any of this so late on if they had informed me correctly in the first place! I am unable to think clearly at this moment in time as I have been out for a good few hours today and the tiredness is beginning to take over my body and mind like a debilitating powerful enemy, an enemy I have been fighting all day just to enable me to make this appointment….

it is time for me to leave. Not unlike a zombie, I make my journey home with a heavy heart and a sadness that i cannot quite explain. i could deal with not having a family before. i was prepared, or as prepared as one may be. That was a concrete answer and somewhat manageable,… but this uncertainty of not knowing how long i will be on that that awful drug and ultimately not knowing if i can or cannot have children of my own is a feeling I am unsure of and have no idea how to deal with. All I know is i need to lie down and I need to sleep. I am ridiculously tired and my heart is beating too fast and it hurts!

One thought on “Goodbye Good Gews… Hello Uncertainty

  1. […] Goodbye Good Gews… Hello Uncertainty. […]

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